Leave it at the door
I have three very different birth experiences (read about birth 1, birth 2, birth 3) that of course affect me as a person a lot. These three births and my three children have been my biggest teachers, and they still are. I learned how it feels to be seen and not be seen during birth. I learned what it feels like to be respected during pregnancy and post partum. I learned how hard breastfeeding can be and how crucial support is when you are struggling. My experiences have taught me a lot, but I also know they were my experiences. I rarely share a lot about my experience when I am working because I am in my professional role. I may say something like “Yes, it’s worth it.” When I’m asked “Is this really worth it?” during a birth. Or say “I also had wounds all over my nipples when breastfeeding, it will get better, I am here to help you.” When a new mom is crying in the middle of the night because breastfeeding is hurting and making her nipples bleed. I will use my experiences when I think it will give the person I am caring for hope, motivation, support. I won’t go into detail, I won’t talk about it for long, because the truth is, it’s not about me. I am here for the person I am caring for. I got to work to be present, to give support and use all those years of studying and working to support the people I care for. I am not there to process my own experiences. I think this is so important, to leave you “shit” at the door. If you have not processed your own experiences, positive or negative, they can spill over into the decisions you make. Unfortunately as health care professionals we don’t get support to process our experiences. As humans we carry the past with us, but some things are not good to hold on to.
There’s this term called “second victim” which refers to when a traumatic situation occurs the patient gets traumatized but so does the health care staff. We do not speak about this enough, we do not acknowledge it enough. We can have a shift one day where someone almost died and are supposed to return the next day to work and pretend like nothing, that’s not normal. But there is nothing in the system that helps us process this. We are left with our unhealed traumas without support. And sometimes those past experiences we carry create deep fear, and we start making decisions out of this fear. I see this from time to time in the hospital, we let the “what ifs” take so much space that we can’t recognize normal anymore. It’s sad, and it creates a system based in fear, not in knowledge and research evidence.
My way of processing and letting go is journaling and talking to my friends that are in health care with me. I’ve seen some things that have left lasting effects on me. But I remind myself that most of my experiences as a health care worker have been positive. I point out to myself when I could have done differently and what I have learned. I remind myself that if I can’t handle some negative experiences, some trauma, then I chose the wrong profession. I chose to do this, I can also choose to do something else. So when I return to work after having had a tough experience the day before I take a couple of extra breaths, say a few grounding affirmations or prayers, put on my scrubs and try to leave the previous experiences at the door.
