Thoughts about interracial relationships
Because I am a product of an interracial relationship people have assumed my entire life that I’m some kind of poster child for this. That of course I’m going to grab a set of pompoms and cheer every time I see an interracial relationship or a biracial child. I don’t. And I have stopped feeling guilty (because people put this pressure on me in regards to this so I started feeling guilty when I couldn’t be that cheerleader) for not thinking interracial relationships are the thing that will end racism and bring about world peace. I know very few interracial relationships that are healthy. I know very few white women who have a black male partner who don’t “other” him. I have distanced myself from a lot of white women over the years because of how they spoke about their partner or their child. I only recently understood why this was so triggering for me. I only recently understood how much verbal and sometimes other type of abuse I’ve witnessed in interracial relationships. In my parents' relationship, but also countless others throughout my life. And how many mixed children who have a bad or non-existent relationship with their black father. I can’t be a poster child for this, I can’t pretend to not have seen and understood the problems that can come with these types of relationships. There are a lot of black men who thought they struck gold (hello internalized racism) when dating a white woman. Only to end up being broken down and leaving worse off than they started the relationship.
This has been incredibly hard for me to speak openly about. I’ve kept these types of conversations in my close POC friend groups, because I know it’s a safe space. But I think it needs to be talked about. How important it is with representation for children growing up. In Sweden there is so much talk about the children’s right to their parents. But what about the children’s right to community?
I see a huge difference in the self image and awareness of mixed women who grew up with black mothers. They know how to take care of their hair, their skin, etc. They seem to have a deeper understanding of who they are. Of course my parents interracial relationship isn't the only reason behind my childhood trauma. But I think if I would have had other women in my life that I could relate to and mirror myself in I would have been a different person.
The last interracial relationship I was in was a defining moment for me as I was called racial slurs in fights. It made me realize that I need to be in a relationship with a person who has a similar world view as me so I can feel safe in my own home. My last long term relationship created that safety, I knew I could come home and speak about the racist experience I had just had and he would get it as a black man.
So as I raise my own children I think a lot about not only my and their fathers roles in their lives, but community as well. Which other women and men do they see? What do they teach my children? What is missing in my children’s community? I know I can’t be the only influence and never will be. So there has to be a more conscious bigger picture approach. That is something I was lacking growing up and want my children to have.
I want to caveat this post with this: There are some amazing interracial relationships out there. I have friends that make them work so well because of the level of awareness of the power imbalances, the impact the relationship has on the kids, etc. These people receive a lot of respect from me because I know it isn’t easy.
Love who you love. I am just writing this post from my experience in this world.
