Reclaiming my power
I grew up in a two parent household, but it was not a healthy relationship. My parents still live together to this day, but I think the healthy thing would have been to get a divorce years ago. I say this to highlight that I didn’t grow up knowing what a healthy partner relationship looks like. I also lacked a lot of parental support growing up, this due to the fact that my parents had very tough childhoods. I have always been very emotional, and I think I learned to read others emotions early on as a way to protect myself. This has translated into a profession where I care for other people and have a very easy time “putting myself into other people’s shoes.” It has become one of my strengths, though it was born out of a place of lack and need to be able to assess what the people around me were feeling.
After the break up with my ex (I wrote a bit about it here) I have done a lot of emotional work. I started off feeling I needed something and couldn’t really figure out what it was. I had been to therapy for my burn out and symptoms of burn out several times. Somehow I found Ruthie on Instagram and her work spoke to me. I did her 12 week coaching program called Self Leadership 1.0 thinking I was going to learn skills to help me in my business. But what I got was so much more. Through these 12 weeks I had to do some real work, I had to dig deep, I had to question my patterns, relearn some things, let go of some things, and more. I started feeling like I was getting to know myself again. It was very tough emotionally so I decided to also start going to therapy to work though some of the things that the coaching brought to the surface.
This time I decided to not use Sweden’s health care system for therapy, instead I used the online service BetterHelp. I wanted to do therapy in English as it’s my emotional language (I speak English with my kids and my dog, I journal in English, I prefer to read in English, etc.) and I wanted the therapist to be a Black woman. The first therapist I tried was just a mess, she felt more like an auntie that wanted to gossip than a therapist. But my next one was the right person for me. I did weekly therapy for about 3 months, and then took a break because I was feeling so good. Then in January 2024 things changed between me and my ex and I needed help to process the grief and work though the tornado of things that was coming at me. Thank God for these sessions! Just knowing that weekly I have someone that can help me weave through everything is what has kept me from ending up in psychiatric care this past year. It has been the hardest year of my life emotionally, but it has also been a year of healing and reclaiming my own power.
Photographer: Anna Mihaa
Session 3 of Hypnobirthing ends with a Fear Release exercise, it is my favorite HB script. At the end of this exercise we reclaim our power. Every time I read that script I imagine that I reclaim my power as well, just like the parents to be in my class. The energy in the room after that exercise is always very powerful.
“I’m taking back the power that I relinquished to you. I know I am fully capable of calling upon my own inner power and strength to ensure my own wellbeing. I know I am an integral part of this wonderful universe, and I have within my the ability to reclaim and use all the power I gave to others.”
People tend to tell me that I am strong, but I feel like that is what I have been for too long. I have pushed through, I have pushed away my emotions, I haven’t shown my kids my emotions, I haven’t shared with my friends how I am feeling. Being strong has been an armor, it has been a way to protect myself due to fear of being let down. “I might as well do it myself.” is something I have told myself over and over and over over the years, instead of asking for help. This of course comes from childhood and not having parents that were reliable when it came to holding space for my emotions. I had to entertain myself a lot, I had to problem solve a lot, and when I felt feelings strongly I was brushed off or hushed so I learned that my emotions aren’t welcome here.
I think it all is connected. This is why I hold space for others, this is why other people’s emotions don’t scare me, this is why I give so much. I'm creating pockets of what I have needed in the past. And by doing so I feel like I am healing the broken pieces of my past. I feel like by reclaiming my power I can better empower other people to do the same. Because when I heal and I empower others they can do the same. We are all connected, and we all matter.
“ yOu Can’t Pour From an Empty Cup”
This year has been a tough one, but I think I will look back on it and say “This is the period in my life when I reclaimed my power.” It’s not always easy, it’s not always my default, it is hard work. But I have amazing support moving forward, I have therapy, I have friends, I have my children. I have learned that in choosing me I also chose the people that I love and that love me. It’s that plane analogy with the oxygen mask, I need to take care of myself first. This is why I spend money on therapy, body work, take out food and books. I need to pour into myself so I can pour into others, and this is what my friends have been saying to me over the past couple of years, and I have become better at it. Self care is a way to reclaim my power. What a journey this has been.
