Parenting
Before I became a parent myself I thought a lot about what kind of parent I wanted to be. I had worked short periods in daycare as a teen and been an Au Pair in the US. I didn't want my kids to be spoiled, I wanted them to listen, I wanted them to act "right". When I became a mom at age 22 I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a good mom and to have a child that acted "right". It caused me a lot of stress and looking back I think I was quite mean to my daughter at times. It's nothing I'm proud of, I just didn't know better. My parenting as I described it back then was "Threaten, bribe, punish and sometimes scare."
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
When my daughter was a tween I was struggling with parenting a lot. I had a hard time understanding her so I tried to figure out how to cope. I read Dr. Shefali Tsabary's book "The Conscious Parent" and it opened my eyes to a different approach. Instead of making my kids be what I wanted them to be I let them be who they are and try my best to support that. If you haven't read the book I recommend reading it.
I will never be full on "gentle parenting," but I am a lot less mean now, less reactive and don't really care about my kids acting "right". I want them to be polite, yes, but I don't want them to have to be someone they are not to please others. I try to speak openly with my kids about things without sheltering them, the world is an unfair place and I don't believe kids should be sheltered from that. I let them have their full range of emotions, mad, sad, happy, etc. If they get too rowdy I tell them to go outside and play, some games are better for outdoor play. I do yell from time to time, usually if I am overstimulated and something unforeseen happens or if one of my kids deliberately hurts the other. I apologize when I have acted in a way that was uncalled for, and I have stopped forcing them to apologize for things. I want them to learn to apologize on their own in a genuine way.
My goal is to raise my kids to be able to handle the world as they go out in it. I expect them to learn things like doing dishes, cleaning, keeping track of their own things, etc. as a part of life skills. Especially for my boys, it's easy to let them get away with things as they are the little brothers and boys, I try to be conscious of this. I don't want my children to move out and not know how to take care of themselves and their home. I think I could include them way more, but I sometimes just want to be left alone, cooking food and listening to a podcast when I cook rather than having to explain how to cut a carrot or a potato.
Being a parent is constantly worrying about what you're doing. Am I doing enough? Will they be fine? It is hard to split yourself between kids, and life with all that comes with it. I often think "What will matter when I lay on my deathbed?" Will it be that I had a new dress or that I went somewhere with my kids and created memories? I vote memories. One day they will be all grown up and move out, and then I can only hope I raised them well enough to be able to handle the world. To be good humans, that is what I hope for them. To be good humans that leave this planet a little better than it was before they were on it.
