Is it lacking?

“Are you dating? Why not?”

Lately a lot of people have asked me this question and the answer is no. “Why not? You’re so pretty/sweet/kind.” Or something similar is usually the response. Both from my friends in relationships and those that are single and dating themselves. I started feeling pressure to start dating and feeling like I wasn’t enough if I wasn’t dating/in a relationship. Then I took a step back and asked myself: Do I want to date right now? And the answer is no. Do I miss companionship sometimes? Of course! But do I miss having a partner? No. The way my life is right now I am finally feeling happy again most days. I’m at peace most days. And I have so much love and joy in my life, I have my kids, my friends, my dog. I also am starting to have more and more of the life I want. I have my side business, I get consulting jobs, I have a great network that is constantly growing for what I want to be doing for work. I have a home that I love in the area that I feel safe in, with amazing neighbors. I am traveling several times a year.

Am I lacking anything? Do I feel like I need a man? No. This can of course change and I do feel like it would be a bonus to have a partner who is an equal in the relationship, I’ve never experienced that. But I am also happy without that right now and possibly forever.

I thought about this today when I was frying pancakes for the kids and thought about how much pressure society puts on us as women.

If you don’t have a partner you’re a failure (preferably you should have a husband).

If you don’t have children you’re a failure (because you should want kids, you are a woman).

If you want to give birth at home instead of the hospital you are irresponsible (or may even be called crazy or selfish).

If we do not fit into the norm of what we should do then people have opinions.

But it’s your life, you get to choose, it’s not selfish it’s just being the main character in your own life. I think we would all benefit from people taking a step back and asking themselves “What do I want?” And then being brutally honest with themselves. Don’t do what you think you should do, do what you want to do, what makes you happy. It may be one thing today and another tomorrow, but it’s your life, live it!

I ask myself often “When I lay on my death bed, what will I be thinking of?” I definitely don’t want to be thinking about all the things I did to please others and how I didn’t live life fully. I want to be thinking of all the joy I have experienced, all the places I have been and all the love I have experienced. I want to think about how resilient I have been, how much I have laughed, how much I have danced. I want to think about how I tried new things, how I experienced new places and how I did things, even when it scared me.

I am in a place in my life where I really don’t feel like I need a man. I’m done having kids, I have a solid income, I have what I need. When I met the father of my boys I was in a similar mindset, I had accepted singleness, I had accepted not having more kids even though I wanted them. The difference now, 14 years later, is that I’ve healed a lot of my woundsI had back then, and I’ve learned to stand up for myself and what I need. I felt I was lacking a lot of things before that relationship and I think I held on for so long because I felt like I failure when it was falling apart. But now I feel whole, healing is at the center of my being, I often ask myself “What do I need? What do I want?” Something I thought was selfish 14+ years ago.

I know who I am now, it took over 40 years to really find my own voice, but it is loud and clear now. I don’t feel like I’m lacking anything or anyone. So no, I’m not dating. And I’m happy for it to stay this way.

Common hospital routines after baby is born